I have to say this: the days leading up to my 30th birthday have not been fun. Ok, I HATE change. Cried on my 18th birthday! WHAT?!?!? I don't want to grow up. End of story. But, apparently time is against me so here we are, on the eve of my 30th. I type in the dark, next to my two sleeping beautiful boys, listening to Matthew Sweet's Farther Down, and feeling like Daisy Depression has me wrapped around her finger. I wonder when it was that I lost myself and became this fiercely devoted mama who feels like I have no self worth, except at raising my children and even that is a far stretch in my imagination that I'm not doing it right. I have 4 beautiful babies, how in the hell did I get that lucky? Did the stars align just for that moment of luck? I've never been lucky?!?! Lucky is not being beat by an ex, lucky is not snorting so many drugs that my sinuses surely aren't all intact. Lucky IS finding someone who feels like my partner on this team, lucky is having healthy (for the most part, nothing major) children...why do I feel like I'm lacking in life? I know I'm not exactly where I want to be...I know my romantic relationship is nil at the moment (where the FUCK did THAT go?!) and I feel like I am geared in neutral and just being pushed along through the car wash, while everyone works on the exterior and the interior gets slighted. I'm here..in this world...but I'm lost. Yes, I am lost right now.
:::farther down i'm desperate for you...something...something takes my pain away....
P.S. I'm getting my tarot cards read tomorrow. I might have to update how that goes.
